let go 3.jpgHave you ever felt in your life where you just cannot find the right prayer some times?   Were there times, you felt you didn’t have any prayer in your mind or heart? Were there moments you were just so overwhelmed with so much of problems and challenges you just don’t know how to pray? What about moments you lose faith that the Universe or God is not on your side you wanted to demand an explanation from Him?

Yes, those were the moments in my life. All my life, I have been taught structured prayers and that those are the prayers to use. As years  went by, with so much of challenges in front of me, I doubted if those prayers were even relevant; it was as though the prayers were not heard at all. It was just empty prayers for me. I wanted something deeper and something more meaningful.

My spiritual journey took me to a very deep experience with my Creator as years went by and when I doubted Him, there would be answers and assurances through angels sent in the form of friends, strangers, homilies and even posters or quotes that would flash in front of my eyes at that point of time.  Amazing ? You bet. Yet, there were times I was so caught up with finding myself, I became blind to His messages.

I was holding on and trying to solve my challenges instead of letting go and empty myself to trust Him. This spiritual awareness slowly became obvious but then, what will happen to the tradition and ways we are supposed to live by? I realized I still can and  at a deeper level because my spiritual relationship with my Creator is deep and profound.

It is so amazing that He has been listening to my search for a deeper relationship and understanding of Him and He has brought me closed to Him through wonderful friends who care to share their lives with me as they themselves have found deep spiritual relationship with God. It is more than just the superficial practice we do every day or every week. A truly spiritual journey with God is one who can

  1.  Understand what it means to let go and let God
  2. What it means to practice unconditional love.
  3. To give of yourself
  4. To share with no expectation
  5. Detachment from things and emotions
  6. Be happy and contented
  7. To give gratitude
  8. Emptying oneself so that one can have Everything

The most important and profound thing I learnt is about just giving gratitude in everything. The only prayer we ever need is just ‘THANK YOU’ to our Creator, for all that we have and for those that we don’t have.I remembered when I was totally empty at point in my life that I felt peace and was filled with that sense of calm and full,  I just kept silent and with felt peace in myself. We all have our own journey and we walk different paths. We all experience spirituality in different ways.

All these years, with all the challenges I faced especially those challenges within me, I have cried out for help to overcome them so I can love and accept ME the Catherine that He created in His Image. As time is not relevant in God’s Time, I found my time is NOW. To Just BE and BEING Catherine is so beautiful and enriching. I found that LOVE of God in Me because My Being is with God and in God. I only need to surrender to empty myself each day for Him to fill it up!

The more, I realise this abundance, the more I receive it and the more I want to give ABUNDANCE. It need not be material things or money; give unconditional love, patience, tolerance, empathy, share knowledge, practice act of kindness in creative and heartful ways. Each day now, I wake up and before I sleep I thank God for His Abundance.

I am truly grateful to my sister in Christ Connie for her spiritual empowerment and my others brothers and sisters of different faiths and life journey who have shared and empowered my life. I know I have also empowered them in my own way.

Whether you believe in God or the Universe or believe nothing, Abundance is there and it is real. Just allow it to come to you and you embrace and send it out to others, more will come to you…

It is difficult and scary sometimes to let go and totally surrender. That’s the challenge of it all. Pray like a little child; trusting and with faith.

My prayer – THANK YOU FOR ABUNDANCE! Even when I feel there is none but deep within I know there is.


Honour Thy Father and Thy Mother

I have been absent for a long while now.   This morning, I sat myself down  and quickly pen this down to share my thoughts and feelings with you before I do my other chores.

I love watching CSI’s series. 

Today, a scene in CSI NY  (sorry turned the episode on halfway so did not know the title),  was about one of the CSI staff visiting his aged father in a home.  He wanted his father to remember how abusive he was towards him and kept pushing his father to remember.  He wanted his father to apologise to him and feel  the guilt.  He wanted his father to feel his own anger  of being an abused son.  Unfortunately, his aged father cannot remember.  He was so angry and hurt that his father cannot feel what he wanted him to feel.

Towards the end of the series, his superior spoke with him.  He shared to his superior  how much he wanted his father to feel his pain of being an abused son.  Throughout the conversation with his superior,  what he really wanted was to have his father back; the moment as a young boy whom his dad would take him to the record store to buy records.   He wanted to hurt his father but yet wanted to forgive him but couldn’t.  He wanted to release the pain he was carrying.  His superior said this “you wanted to remember him as a good dad.  You carrying the baggage will make it harder for you to accept him. He is also a victim.”

In the last scene, he reminisces his happy days by sharing a record he loved (his father’s collection with his girlfriend who told him that she is there to journey with him.

I enjoy CSI for many reasons.  There are so many lessons one can learn.  I love lessons like what I have watched today.

My own aged father can be annoying because of his stubbornness.  He argues with all of us even when he cannot remember that he did something but denied it.  He was not always there for me growing up and in certain ways, I felt what that actor felt in the moment.  It is  true for me, that I wish I had the father who would dote on me when I was 4 years old.  He would take me around on his bike and spend so much time with me when he could.  He was not abusive but avoid confrontation when there was any at home. 

On the other hand, I see him a fragile man getting older by the day and living his 2nd childhood except that physically he is an adult.  I am thankful today, I am reminded that my father was also a victim of circumstances and he did his best he knew how then.  He was who he was.

I am thankful he is still around and able to be with me and for me to care for  him together with my aged mum too.  I will do my best to provide and care for them with God’s grace. Yes, I have to sacrifice certain freedom and also postpone things I want to do for myself.  I know God has better plans for me and I trust Him to live my life.

4th Commandment –  Honour your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.

— Exodus 20:12 



I want to scream to tell my father how  much I love him that I want him to get well.  It is so challenging to tend to an aged man whose mind is almost like a little child.

 He fights when we tend his wounds, tell him to stop scratching so that his wounds don’t break out.   He loves spicy food and that was one of the things he has to stop.  That is when tantrums come in.

 Consciously, I am telling me that I have an old man who has a mind of a child and that I should love him like a would love a child.  Yet it is difficult because he fights back saying that we treat him without respect.  He has his good moments and bad moments.

 Yet, we love his happy personality and playful self when he is fine.  When he is angry, he drives us all up the wall with his words and threats.

 Papa, we love you and want to care for you.  We also understand it is tough for you too because we know that you are afraid when you know you cannot remember and you have no control over your memory.

 It is our duty as children to care for you now and I  will grit my teeth and remember that no matter what you are here with us and that it is our honour to love and care for you.

 Papa, we love you and we will do our best to care for you.

 God bless you for being here to teach us patience, honour, dignity, and how growing old would be like for us.

Thank you mama for supporting for your patience and guidance and understanding. Despite your own frail health, you still cared and made sure papa does what he needs to do daily to care for himself.  It is tough on you too when he fights with you and ‘war’ breaks out.  We love you both very much and we are proud we can care for both of you on our own.




 Nobody can live without comfort.

But comfort is not like alcohol.

It’s no injection, no sleeping pill which merely numbs you,

And then plunges you into an even darker night.

Comfort is not a flood of words.

 Comfort is a healing balm on a deep wound.

Comfort is a sudden oasis in an empty desert, which makes you believe in life again.

Comfort is a soft hand on your forehead, that makes you feel at peace.

Comfort is the gentle face of someone close to you who understands your tears,

Who listens to your troubled thoughts,

Who sticks by you through your doubts and anxieties,

And who shows you a few guiding stars in the dark night.


It’s been a while

It’s been a while since I wrote.

I have been silent, trying to listen to my spirit.

Much has happened joy and tears.

Wanting to give but found emptiness of soul.

Now, the desert is slowly being filled,

with trickles of inspiration, warmth and hope.

Hope and gratitude are constant reminders

when moments filled with cloudy skies and gloomy faces

Eyes now shine and smiles are breaking.

Here I am again….. learning to live as if it is only for today…



Scene in the pantry ….

Conversation in Hokkien and Mandarin..

A :       “whose tongkat (walking stick) is this? Looking at B at the wash basin area. Yours ah, B?”

B:        “Aiyo.   Don’t simply talk.   Chinese New Year coming. I want to wear short skirt n high heels wan ar….      ‘Choi! Tai Ka Lai Si!’  (means:  bad luck to wish her using the stick).

Then there was silence…

B:       It is Catherine’s..    I saw her use..

A:       I ask only. How I know.

B:       You simply talk. You die….

I stood up, took my walking stick and left…. didn’t want to know what else was said…  There were 3 other ladies there.


My caliper was sent by my wonderful sister Bella to the city to get the screw replaced

How did I react, you might ask.  Nothing.  I just sat and let the conversation flow. 

That is the model of their world.  I am used to this already.  Since young, I have been listening to such comments and some directed at me personally.  It was hard to swallow when one was young and vulnerable; especially when one was searching for meaning of life and self identity.  What more when one was searching and looking for self acceptance.

Yesterday, when that happened, I asked myself inside, “what am I feeling?”  My reply was, “Nothing.”  It just tells about what those 2 ladies’ thoughts were.

I had always been told to be sensitive of what others thought of me.  My whole life was based on judgement of others until I wanted to kill myself for being so imperfect.

I was so frustrated until for a few years, I was so ill, I almost decided to live with such miserable fate.  The calling within (Thank God), questioned if there were others who could live better than I could emotionally, mentally, I could too.

It was hard learning to be ‘thick skinned.’  Been shamed, ridiculed, laughed at, mocked at, the works, I just gave up fighting.  In the end, I won.  How?  Well, trust your Calling Within. 

That faithful inner self that is connected to our Maker.

Along the road of life, there were teachers, angels, mentors, strangers, situations to help me realised who I truly am and can be.  My weakness became my strength.

With yesterday’s scene, some would tell me “Don’t be sensitive.”  Or would just zip their mouth, afraid I might be mad or angry.  I went home praying and telling myself, that’s who they are.  FULL STOP.

Judging would not make a difference.  Getting angry or upset will not do any good nor change the situation.  Just let it be and let it go.  They are my teachers.

I have learnt over the years to be compassionate, to have empathy, to be kind.  Hey, I am no angel because, I tend to judge others too at times.

Yesterday taught me and reminded me not to judge others as I would also be judged.

This is one portion of what my life is all about and also the type of people I am surrounded with in this world. The colour characters of human beings.  Self acceptance and its imperfections play a very vital role in my life. 

I am grateful for the lessons yesterday!  I did find it amusing too..     😛 

WWYD if it happened to you?

I welcome comments and feedback.


My Father’s simple advice

After work I  stopped by  my regular mamak (Indian Muslim) shop to buy their favourite roti pratha and the Tarik.  The roti canai man asked me “Where is Tata and Pati?” “Why so long, don’t come?”

“They are at home and I am here to ‘ta pau’ (pack) for them.”  Immediately, he prepared my orders.  The Teh Tarik man also  asked, “Tata and Pati want teh tarik?” and I nodded. He replied “Ok”

It was heartwarming every time I hear strangers,  waiters and food vendors call my parents, ‘Tata, Pati’ or Atok, Nenek or even Kong Kong, Poh Poh…..

My family have always been blessed with good friendships and relationships with strangers who would be there in our times of need.  These are the blessings of which my father always taught us since young, that “No matter what people do to us, we must always be good.  It is because we will receive the blessings when the time comes.”  He is right.  Even at 85, he still holds fast to his philosophy of always treat people good even when they treat us otherwise.

My father does not hold grudges.  He gets angry for a while and then he forgives and forgets, literally.

When we were poor and had very little, he would always say we are grateful we have a roof and some food on the table. A man with simple needs and simple demands in life.   I have never heard him complained about not having enough.  To him, what he had in front of him was suffice.  He was also one of those who did not like quarrels and fights at home.  He always would leave the house when my mother wanted to punish me and that was one of the things I used to resent him for.  He was not there to support and help me.

He was away for 4 years when I was only 6 years old. I had a hard time coping without a father.  However, mum and I would travel by bus or train to visit him in the North part of the country during the holidays.  I would write him letters every day since I was 7 years old and that got me interested in letter writing until the keyboard got me lazy to write (ha…ha…ha…).

He would open his door to help anyone in need.  I remembered him helping the community he was living with by building a playground for the children there.  He was a strong and keen in building things.  I think he got some friends to help him.  I only remember certain things he did there.

To him, hurting people hurt ourselves and God is always watching what we do.   He never asked for recognition nor fame.  He would shy away when people complimented him. He would say,”Oh.. we must help one another.”

I give tribute to my father today by writing this to appreciate him and to remember the simple philosophy he has.  It is a tough act to follow even for me.  Pa,thank you for being my father. I love you and I am glad I can take care of you at this age.

You believe you are strong till today because God is watching over you and every thing is planned by Him.  Even at this age, you still hold on to being good and be trusting. “Always do good and have a clean heart.”  That is your simple advice.