I have been absent for a long while now. This morning, I sat myself down and quickly pen this down to share my thoughts and feelings with you before I do my other chores.
I love watching CSI’s series.
Today, a scene in CSI NY (sorry turned the episode on halfway so did not know the title), was about one of the CSI staff visiting his aged father in a home. He wanted his father to remember how abusive he was towards him and kept pushing his father to remember. He wanted his father to apologise to him and feel the guilt. He wanted his father to feel his own anger of being an abused son. Unfortunately, his aged father cannot remember. He was so angry and hurt that his father cannot feel what he wanted him to feel.
Towards the end of the series, his superior spoke with him. He shared to his superior how much he wanted his father to feel his pain of being an abused son. Throughout the conversation with his superior, what he really wanted was to have his father back; the moment as a young boy whom his dad would take him to the record store to buy records. He wanted to hurt his father but yet wanted to forgive him but couldn’t. He wanted to release the pain he was carrying. His superior said this “you wanted to remember him as a good dad. You carrying the baggage will make it harder for you to accept him. He is also a victim.”
In the last scene, he reminisces his happy days by sharing a record he loved (his father’s collection with his girlfriend who told him that she is there to journey with him.
I enjoy CSI for many reasons. There are so many lessons one can learn. I love lessons like what I have watched today.
My own aged father can be annoying because of his stubbornness. He argues with all of us even when he cannot remember that he did something but denied it. He was not always there for me growing up and in certain ways, I felt what that actor felt in the moment. It is true for me, that I wish I had the father who would dote on me when I was 4 years old. He would take me around on his bike and spend so much time with me when he could. He was not abusive but avoid confrontation when there was any at home.
On the other hand, I see him a fragile man getting older by the day and living his 2nd childhood except that physically he is an adult. I am thankful today, I am reminded that my father was also a victim of circumstances and he did his best he knew how then. He was who he was.
I am thankful he is still around and able to be with me and for me to care for him together with my aged mum too. I will do my best to provide and care for them with God’s grace. Yes, I have to sacrifice certain freedom and also postpone things I want to do for myself. I know God has better plans for me and I trust Him to live my life.
4th Commandment – Honour your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.
— Exodus 20:12